miriam

Well I feel like there is no point in me being here anymore. One of these days I will get a handle on my eating and I am already better with it after doing a lot of soul searching.. but I am ONLY keeping those in my life who truly care about me. I sense a lot of you really don’t.. you have your own friends on here, just like in high school I had to put up with stupid cliques.. well I am finding it here too. I can’t be subjected to that… I realize we all have lives but I also announced I have my own blog up and no one bothered even looking at it… so whats the point? I am tired of false promises, false friendships.. and those who say things and don’t mean it. I used to never stand up for myself and that was what had led to my misery but….. I am now standing up for myself and if you don’t like it then tough. If you don’t want anything to do with me, better that I know the truth now than being led on. I am tired of being led on. But either way I wish you the best of luck, unless I know others are going to give a damn about me here, there is no point in staying..

I know I haven’t been on here, I am dealing with some real deep inner issues that caused me to get into this mess… and I have accepted I cannot lose weight AND keep it off unless I deal with these issues. I invite everyone to read my personal blog… and once I am getting a handle on myself more, I will join the Wild Cat team again. The timing was wrong but I am heading in the right direction.

Please read my blog (and make sure you allow yourself a lot of time, because there is a lot written and I hope you also don’t think I am an extremely selfish person either.. but I am not holding anything back with this)

http://shrinkingmiriam.blogspot.com/

I know blogging is an excellent way to vent out frustrations but the blog that I wrote earlier (which I had just deleted) was a bit overdone. So I am sorry if I had offended anyone who had read it. I realize that my life could be so much worse, I know there is a lot in my life to be thankful for and I tend to only look at the challenges and worries. But the truth is, no matter what happens to go “wrong” in my life, it all boils down to how I am really feeling about myself. I hate the fact that I have such low self esteem and have given others power as well, and I am not sure how to even change that. But I have to find a way as I need to be a good role model for my kids. But the one good thing I have to say, yes I have thrown some temper tantrums here and there, I have cussed here and there… but I am not running to get something to eat nearly as often. Wow, maybe those temper tantrums.. as infantile as they are have been beneficial.

I don’t know what to do. I have lost 5 lbs and I am already ready to throw in the towel. And it’s not because it’s taking to long or anything (which it is, considering in the past I would have dropped that in a week IF I tried really hard) but I seriously feel like I do not deserve to be successful or happy. I don’t. I am still that socially awkward, stupid, acne filled 13 year old outcast and I will never see myself as anything beyond that. I am letting the bullies from my past win, and from what I see they have successful lives which I will never. They won, and I am a loser as usual.. for everything. They have destroyed my life and hey, I let them! No wonder they picked on me because I invited it and I still do. I am sorry but I cannot change, the idea of it is like me jumping off of a cliff. I am meant to be fat and miserable and a failure

I know I have been whiney over the last while (and thank you for putting up with it and thank you for the support, it was great) so I’ll start with the good news. I FINALLY got aunt flo and she came with a vengeance. I lost 3 lbs and I am feeling more focused with my better eating. Even though I was fit to be tied over the past week and was ready to give up, I still ate well overall. I had a few bad moments here and there but nothing compared to what it would have been at one time. I guess I have gotten better with this a lot even though I haven’t seen it.

But here is the bad news. The bad new is, because of aunt flo being intense I woke up tired and weak. Well to top things off I tripped on my foot and sprained it while walking back home from the grocery store which was brutal. I struggled back home and as soon as I got home I just started screaming. I mean, not just loud crying, I started screaming like a 3 year old… I mean it just came on, the tantrum and I let it..and I didn’t care, besides I was home alone. And it wasn’t just because I had sprained my foot. My other frustrations came flooding through.. those other frustrations that I tried to suppress with overeating for all of these years. The pain in my foot triggered that and let me tell you, once it was out of my system it felt good. How many calories do you burn from sceaming your head off for 10 minutes? I was even more tired after doing that but it felt good to get it out. Well I got it x-rayed and it didn’t show any fractures. It is black and blue and swollen now. And I can thank my sprained foot for giving me a perfect excuse to not attend a function tonight I was invited to. You know, those functions.. with a lot of FOOD??? I was only willing to go in the first place because someone who was going to be there was interested in talking about private business stuff. But… as silly as this sounds this was stressing me out too. I didn’t want to be faced with all of that food as I am not strong enough yet to say no to all of that temptation. And I know how I would have felt if I gave into it after. But I wanted to meet up with this other woman. This afternoon I just sent her a message telling her that I was not able to attend as my foot was sprained and we will make alternate arrangements to meet for coffee! YES! The beauty of that was, I did not even have to lie about anything! So at least the sprain got me out of that.. but I am not sure how much exercising I will be doing but I will definitely monitor what I eat.

Well thats my update. Finally the PMS is over.. for now, until next month, ugh. But it sucks about my foot!

No matter how hard I try at something, I FAIL!! Thats what it is. Like this weight loss! I am eating well, watching my husband scarf down whatever he wants and watch him stay skinny where as I just LOOK at it, the weight comes on. I hate the fact that I have PCOS and as a result have PMS lasting a good 3 weeks AND I KNOW I have an issue with my thyroid that NO ONE is doing a damn thing about! So here I am slaving away and getting no where. I am SO on the verge of giving up. I can’t tell you how sick I am of this. It’s one thing if I was seeing results, then I would be motivated to keep going but.. I am not so whats the point of this???

And I am upset too, I feel like my husband get everything, he takes me for granted…. my son takes me for granted while I slave away trying to make everyone happy. My son prefers “daddy” over me. And I am sick of it. My husband says he hates it too but he is enabling this behavior and he refuses to see it. Yeah I admit I am JEALOUS of my husband and I resent him at the same time. His mother treats me like garbage but she does everything to make him happy as what a mother should do. My mom also tries to make HIM happy too! I wish I had a mother in law like that. My husband shrugs his shoulders everyime I criticize his mother. He doesn’t defend her but he doesn’t exactly do or say anything reassuring to me either.

And I also just don’t fit in anywhere. I feel like no one cares to have anything to do with me. I have always felt that way and it has been true at one point for sure in my life. I know this sounds terrible but if it wasn’t for my DAUGHTER (my son doesn’t care about me) I wouldn’t be around. I am sick of life, I am sick of everything!!! I was Hitler in my last life!

I hope no one soon becomes sick of my writing because I am not going to be writing out a lot of positive things right now. In fact it may become somewhat dramatic so bear with me. Yes this is a RANT! Hey when you stop binging and you start making better choices and start changing.. it brings out LOTS of anxiety and a LOT of ugly things start coming to the surface. Things that I purposely hid along with my weight.

I saw a new therapist this morning. I have to say it was a useful session. I have a SERIOUS problem if I don’t feel appreciated in anyway. I become even more down on myself if I am feeling ignored, or not accepted then when I confront whomever took me as a joke, I come out looking like a nutcase and raving lunatic. They end up making fun of me and then they get others to make fun of me. Therefore once again my reputation is damaged even more. It’s like grade 8 all over again. Well it rarely happens in person (I don’t get close enough to anyone in person to allow it to happen) but its happened on the net. It hurts just as much to be honest.

It all started of course in my childhood (more so as a preteen) when I was made fun of because of having poor social skills and learning disabilities. I also developed young and had the added curse of acne (teenage acne is common but as it turns out I have mild PCOS). I was the joke of the school, my parents were harder on me and I had to watch my brother get away with things that I COULD never get away with. And to this day I still watch him getting away with things (as well as my sister in law who I CANNOT stand!!)

So as an adult, I am messed up. The bullies from my childhood won I grew up into a fat and bitter woman. I grew up fat because of desperately trying to cover up the harm that they did to me with f***ing FOOD! And it made me f***ing FAT! It made me numb or gave me a false high in the short run but look at me now? And here they are looking good, being successful, where as I can never measure up. I am the one who needs a LOT of therapy and they are going along their merry way. The worst part of it is.. I bet most of them don’t even remember me. But I remember them and I wish I didn’t.

And it hurts me even more because my husband in the past has treated me poorly (though he has been better lately BUT takes me for granted) and I allowed him to AND his mother couldn’t care less if I am dead or alive. There it is again, me deserving the short end of the stick and I got it. And I have to watch my mother treat my sister in law who treated our family like crap her like a princess. I never once did ANYTHING to my mother in law for her to treat me like this. Everyone says to me “its not you, she is the miserable one”… well, I seriously do think it is me because I attract those who treat me badly. And maybe there is some truth to it. Maybe I do give off a vibe that screams out “look at me, I am a joke, I am not worth s**t, use me, abuse me, do what you want to me”! The problem is… I am not sure how I can even think of changing that.

And why do I desperately need to feel appreciated? I have lost some good friends who really did try building me up because I felt that they did not appreciate me. Maybe its because I need to be taken seriously. And maybe they did one little insignificant thing that upset me and then I accused them of not appreciating me! I need verification that the things that I do are worth while. If I don’t make a sale, “I am no good, I am worthless, who would want to buy from me?” Sorry but that is how I feel. And I admit I resent cooking my husband dinner (of course I will always do it as its far better than take out) but its because his mother NEVER once cooked for him in his life. And I feel he should be kissing my feet for making good meals for him.

And finally, in the past I have also let people walk all over me (not anymore, I don’t get close to anyone now) and why? Why was I such a pushover? Because.. I DIE FOR ACCEPTANCE!! Sometimes I wonder will I EVER get it??? Wow.. I have A LOT of work to do, don’t I? Can I blame my bullies on this? Or could I blame myself for not being stronger? I don’t know who I blame.. and whats the point in blaming anyone or anything. It is how it is. I need to somehow find a way to stop giving off that “ABUSE ME BECAUSE I DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEING” vibe… anyway I had to get that off of my chest.

I am going for a brisk walk now (the old me would have immediately grabbed chips to numb these feelings and I got it all out.. for now, it will come back again for sure though)

I don’t want to sound like a downer but here it goes. Over the past few days I have been becoming a little sloppy with my new way of eating. Now I am not like hitting the drive thrus or binging on chips or sweets or anything like that. Thats all old news and it’s going to stay that way. But I also haven’t been paying attention like I should be and still eating when I am getting past comfortably full. Why am I getting sloppy?

I think deep down I am still AFRAID to change for the better. I have never been a positive person to be honest and the idea of becoming one honestly scares the crap out of me! I do fear success and still have this belief I am not worthy so I am not taking the time and effort to put  into myself like I should. And I am forcing myself to take a brisk walk and I have to admit I keep asking myself “why am I even bothering?” Then before I know it I start dwelling on my past mistakes and start dwelling on those who had wronged me. I also start thinking about how I felt in many ways to have gotten the short end of the stick. Then when I am done with my walk I find myself to be in a bad mood. And then I find myself eating healthy but not overly careful with my portions.

Now maybe its PMS (I still haven’t gotten my period and thats one lovely thing of having PCOS) talking. No one knows. I don’t know. But it’s like over the past few days… I have been battling within more than ever. One part of me knows in the long run I’ll feel so much better if I put the effort that is needed into myself. Not to mention I will look better and have more energy. Maybe this is what I am scared of. I don’t know. But the other part of me wants to scream out “why bother??” and continues to remind me of my past mistakes and everything else. I know what part of me needs to once and for all conquer this. But how do I get that part of me to do that?

There are things that I have to admit and I must do that. I am feeling almost anxious, no sorry correction, I am feeling VERY anxious about making changes.  Change for me is scary as it is and I am pretty sure that was behind me having post partum depression after my first was born, not just hormones but the fact that a huge change happened. And it’s not like I used to eat fast food or anything like that..not recently anyway and I am going to allow myself once in a great while to enjoy a planned treat (as my dietician even encouraged it so I keep up with the weight loss and healthy lifestyle) but I do admit I felt myself mourning today for some of the old foods that I did eat that were not good for me. Like for instance today I ordered food for lunch from my favorite Japanese take out place. I usually had mega sushi stuff (lots of carbs alone because of the rice) with tempura squid or rice. As much as this food gave me some so-called satisfaction, I felt like crap after eating it. Disgustingly full and feeling like “yep being a failure again, couldn’t control yourself huh”? Well today… instead of that I got myself a small seafood soup with no noodles and a few pieces of sashimi which is the fish alone and they were small pieces. For carbs I just took a handful of Guardian cereal and snacked on that. And a half hour after I went for a swim. And while I was swimming the feelings just caught up with me. I did not enjoy it as much as I had hoped because of it. And I don’t really know if it had to do with the fact that I miss the eating habits (my portions were big and that was really the biggest culprit.. other than that, and other than some sweets  I ate some pretty good and healthy food, just too much of it).

All of my life I have been made to feel like I was not good enough and I think sadly this feeling has come naturally from me. I have always had low self esteem because I had differences and my peers made sure I was just not acceptable. My mother tried but she criticized me a lot (and her intentions were good, but it came out wrong) So since they felt I was defective, I really believed I was. I believed I also was meant to always get the short end of the stick. And I have put myself into situations were I was basically targetted and bullied. At the time I didn’t believe that but now looking back, yes I did because it is true, if you attract negative, negative will come after you. I had no other way to believe though.  And I still do feel this way. I expect to fail, and as much as I hate failing… I am TERRIFIED to succeed.  Someone slim, who dresses well, who takes care of herself and who is successful in business just doesn’t seem to fit me. In fact it’s all foreign to me. Those are of course the things that I want.. but I am scared of the idea at the same time of being those things because it requires change and I am terrified of change.

I hate being 60+ overweight and I hate feeling this way about myself. I hate being a slob. Believe me I do, I hate not being able to look at myself in the mirror at all. And if order for me to achieve what I do happen to want, it requires a lot of change. And I just have to get out of my comfort zone.. as much as it is necessary, the idea of it TERRIFIES me. I am going to be going through a LOT of periods of anxiety until I am used to it. I just don’t understand how I didn’t have these feelings the first time I had the huge weight loss with Jenny Craig. Maybe its because I was in love with the novelty of eating their food and losing weight from it, and didn’t look into anything further about the weight loss. It was all superficial.. I was also in denial about my son’s poor development and forced myself to just focus on the weight loss at the time. Physically it worked.. but in all other areas, nope. If it did, then I wouldn’t have gained the weight back after finding out about my son’s autism.

Aside from just not feeling good enough to deserve it, another thing I am terrified of is if.. I get these self esteem issues under control, lose the weight, and better things start coming to me, I am terrified of having to face something a lot worse than my son’s autism down the road! The Universe works in strange ways and puts you through a lot of tests… if the Universe knows I have been able to care for myself in spite of these challenges, it would throw something else even more challenging at me. There is honestly only so much I can handle. I know it sounds like a silly fear but… it is a fear of mine.

However, like I said as much as I am COMFORTABLE in this ugly zone, I have to get out of it because I have been wallowing in it for too long being COMFORTABLY miserable. It’s ugly, it makes me feel bad and unfortunately… I cannot stay in that kind of lifestyle if I need to improve which I know I do. Besides, it will be no good for my kids and I need to be a better role model for them. I don’t ever want them turning out like I did. And hopefully they won’t. Even with my son’s struggles and he will have future struggles.. I hope he has better self esteem than I ever did.

Hopefully soon enough I will be less anxious about this, because all I have been thinking about all day is about these fears and its just hard for me to fathom I COULD end up being that well cared for, slim and successful woman.. which is what I do want, but more so its hard for me to believe I actually deserve it. Thanks for letting me share.

I hate most reality shows but I love “The Biggest Loser”. And I like it even more this season because I could easily relate to one of the couples on there. When they were told that their son had autism, they ate for comfort. They couldn’t deal with the stress that came with autism and what could lie ahead of them. They suppressed their pain by eating junk every night. And when we are in these kinds of desperate situations we never consider the consequences that we end up facing later on. In fact we are so caught up in the self pitying that we just don’t care. Well I am happy for them that they had woken up, and had come to terms with what they needed to do to be healthy.

I regret to say that I went through the same situation. The sad thing is, before it was confirmed that my son had autism I had lost 55 lbs out of 75lbs on Jenny Craig. I was in denial at the time about my son but when he didn’t talk, stared at lights and spinning objects and threw tantrums all the time something had to be done. And I did not handle it well. I fell into dark, evil place. I hated the world, I hated my life even more and stopped caring. And I sure as hell did not even CONSIDER what I would have to face later on. So I ate, and ate junk “well you know I have it so hard so I deserve that candy”. That was one example of how I thought at the time.  And now I am back to where I was before I had joined Jenny Craig a few years ago. I admit I am disgusted with myself for it.  Believe me, I still have my moments of self pitying but the moments are less and less. And I know I will feel much better if this weight comes off FOR GOOD!

I have done so much soul searching for over a year as to why I had to self medicate with food. And the reasons were not just because of my son’s autism. I was never accepted by my peers in junior high and that is when my love affair with food had started. I was the “oddball”, and being different is the worst thing when you are that age. Since I was never accepted I needed to feel good. I still feel like my peers don’t accept me but I also know enough now that food won’t make it all better. It will just make me fatter and it has.

My son has autism, he is high functioning and he is getting therapy. He is only 4 and has come far. He is still behind in his speech but its emerging, he interacts with adults and his behavior is like night and day from when it was at age 2. But the fear of the unknown also lies ahead of us. The therapists are confident he will live an independent life, and odds are he will be okay. But I am just preparing myself for the possibility that it may not happen.  Not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. And if the worst does happen, I know that food will not help.

And I have tried to watch my eating for months now, but I cannot stay disciplined. It’s not so much now that I am eating for comfort (though I slip back sometimes), its more now just simply breaking the habit. And its not even so much that I eat fast food or sweets. I actually eat good and healthy foods, but my portions are too large. I cannot do it on my own. I had to take the plunge and hire a dietician. Expensive yes, but its necessary.

I may have not been as wise as I am now when I was on Jenny Craig. And I may have been in denial about my son’s development being behind. But one thing that I can say is that I felt good physically when my weight was down. I went up the stairs easily. I actually didn’t mind looking in the mirror. I was able to shop at typical clothing stores. I went down to a size 12 (and my goal was a 10), I am now at a horrible 18/20. It’s not acceptable.

This fat represents all of the years of sadness, anger, frustration, feelings of inferiority and the fact that its there is a sign that my past bullies had won. And all my son’s autism did was remind me of all of that and I couldn’t bear it, so I suppressed it. And this is how it shows. It’s hard to let go but I need to or else I will remain miserable. The weight just simply has to go along with everything else.